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Coping Suggestions for Grievers

In the midst of the holiday season, with festive lights and music filling our cities and towns and candles being lit in homes and places of worship, we are expected to be full of happiness and warmth. But the holiday season can be filled with many pressures and, for many of us, can bring a heightened awareness of, and potential sadness for, what is missing from our lives.

Feeling down during the holidays is quite common. We've all heard about the "holiday blues." And for people whose lives have been affected by gun trauma, the holidays can actually be one of the most difficult times of the year. This can leave us with a great deal of confusion and anxiety about how to approach and spend the holidays.

Many people find it helpful to anticipate the different feelings and needs that may arise and to think about ways to cope with them. We suggest that you talk with your family about what may be difficult and what may bring comfort. Ask yourself:

  • What is it about the holidays that seem overwhelming?

  • Are there parts of your traditional holiday schedule or routine that you want to let go of this year?

  • Is there a tradition or family ritual that you find comforting to continue?

  • If a loved one has died, how can you change or add to family traditions or create new ones to include their memory?

There are many ways to incorporate the memory of a loved one into holiday traditions and rituals. You can begin by simply talking about the loved one who has died. Share your holiday memories. Create rituals and embrace old ones. Include your children in your rituals, letting them know that it's okay to talk about the person who has died. This is an essential part of coping and moving forward. Acknowledging each other's losses may be difficult, but the process will help strengthen your family.

As you explore different ways to cope with the holidays, please remember that grieving is a process. Creating new traditions that are meaningful for you and your family will take time. You may need to try different things over the years as your own needs change. Remember that the most important thing is to find what feels right to your family.

Please remember that holidays without a loved one are just as complicated for children. Talk with your children about how you are feeling. It's okay not to be at your best and to let your children know why. Help them understand why you look sad or angry and that it is not their fault. Ask them how they are feeling. The excitement about gifts coupled with anxiety about not having their loved one to share this with can be very confusing. Encourage them to share how they are feeling about celebrating the holidays without their loved one. Children need to learn how to grieve, and the perfect teachers are the adults closest to them. These discussions can be difficult, but they create an atmosphere of openness that children need in order to cope with their grief.

  • Anticipate what the holidays will mean for you. Talk with friends and family about what you fear and what you need. Think and talk about ways to make this time easier for you.

  • Acknowledge your feelings. It is normal to feel sadness and grief. Although others may expect and hope that you feel happy and festive during the holidays, this may not be possible. Coping with loss doesn't take a break for the holidays.

  • Decide how much of your traditional holiday schedule you are up to handling. If some traditions are too hard, think about how you can add to or change them to make them more comforting.

  • Remember that you have choices. If you want to decorate, cook, bake, or shop for the holidays, that's OK. It's also OK to accept help from others. Look at your "to do" list. If there are things you don't really need or want to handle, it's OK to cross them off.

  • Parties and celebrations can be overwhelming. Remember that it's all right to turn down invitations.

  • Celebrate and remember your loved ones.

  • Plan to take care of yourself. Allow yourself time alone to grieve. Eat regular, balanced meals, drink plenty of liquids, exercise, and rest.

  • Plan a budget. Financial pressures can increase overall feelings of strain during the holidays.

  • Spend time with people who make you feel good and allow you to experience your true feelings.

  • Seek out support from friends, family, or community agencies when you need it.

Portions of this Victim Resources Help Guide have been adapted from "Helping Grieving Children Handle the Holidays" by Ralph Klicker, Thantos, 1992 and "Helpful Hints for Coping with Loss During the Holidays" presented by Rush Hospice Partners, (708) 386-9191.