Don'ts of Being Supportive

Do's of Being Supportive

Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved person.

Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable (being avoided adds pain to an already painful experience).

Don't say you know how they feel (unless you have experienced the same loss, you would probably not know how they feel).

Don't say "You ought to be feeling better by now" or anything else which implies a judgment about their feelings.

Don't tell them what they SHOULD feel or do.

Don't change the subject when they mention the deceased.

Don't try to make them feel better with comments like "at least you have other children" or "at least he/she was older."

Don't prescribe a solution for them based on what makes you feel better- support them in finding their own solutions to getting stronger.

Let your genuine concern and caring show.

Do be available - to listen, to run errands, to help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed.

Do say you are sorry about what has happened to them and about their pain.

Do allow them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves and not to impose any "shoulds" on themselves.

Do allow them to talk about the person they have lost as much and as often as they want to.

Do talk to the special endearing qualities of the person they have lost.

Do give special attention to the child's siblings at the funeral and in the months to come (they too are hurting and are confused and are in need of attention).

Do reassure them that they did everything they could, that they could not have prevented the tragedy, or whatever else you know to be TRUE and POSITIVE about the experience.