People Are Not Goldfish
(Dedicated to Wes) By Susan Arlen, M.D.
Somerville, New Jersey

Dr. Arlen is the Medical Director of the Hospice at Somerset Medical Center, and she is the Medical Director of United Cerebral Palsy of New York State. Board certified in rehabilitation medicine, she is also a psychotherapist and an international speaker specializing in the losses associated with death, disability, life-changing illness and care giving.

She is not only clinically skilled, she is warm, personable, caring and completely committed to the notion that people who are suffering under the burden of grief need tender care, nurture and understanding.

Please feel free to send personal questions to Dr. Arlen in care of the magazine, allowing at least two issues for published responses. Dr. Arlen will also answer selected questions by personal letter.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to illness, Dr. Arlen's continuing series, "Phases of Bereavement, Part VI: Learning to Walk" was not available for this issue. Instead we are reprinting Dr. Arlen's column from our September 1993 issue.

Misconceptions about what constitutes normal bereavement can exacerbate the already painful experience of the griever. It can also cause bereaved persons to feel even more isolated and to regard themselves as abnormal.

It is my hope that bereaved people will show this article to friends, employers, co-workers, or relatives who are unable to understand the bereavement experience.

It is painful and difficult enough to grieve, but I believe it adds to the burden when the bereaved feel the need to justify and explain themselves. It is difficult enough to function, to put one foot in front of the other, without the additional burden of choking back tears while making explanations.

This article is intended to validate the painful process that you may now be experiencing and to help educate the non-bereaved with whom you must interact. The following are the most common misconceptions that I have heard about grieving in my years of speaking and private practice.

Misconception #1

"You look so well!" (This is generally said with a tone of amazement in the speaker's voice.)

Answer

Bereaved people look just like the non-bereaved. They are capable of walking, talking and appearing absolutely normal. Though they may feel their lives have been shattered, they usually try to keep their intimate feelings private. When you comment on how well they look or compose themselves, it is because of your misunderstanding of bereavement. The bereaved may feel as if their worlds have been shattered, but they usually try very hard to keep this intimate time private.

Expressing astonishment at how well they look and behave can crack the tenuous shell of self-control and make them feel misunderstood and isolated. It is more helpful to quietly acknowledge their pain and the effort it takes to keep functioning.

Misconception #2

"Your spouse has been dead for several months, isn't it time you were dating?"

Answer

Human beings are not goldfish. We do not flush them and their memories and go out and look for replacements. We bond with human beings. People we love become like a part of ourselves, and they are intimately related to our view of the world, our present, our future and ourselves.

Each relationship is unique, and it takes a very long time to build a relationship of love. It also takes a very long time to say goodbye, and until goodbye really has been said, it is impossible to move on to a new relationship that will be complete and satisfying.

As the bereaved continue to live every day, they recognize how pervasive their beloved was in their lives. If we lose a sock, we can grab any matching sock to remake a pair, but it is unfair to expect the bereaved to be able to do that.

Frequently, after the death of a child, bereaved parents are advised to have or adopt another child, or that their remaining children will take the place of the child who died. This is an outrageous notion!

No one takes the place of a loved one. Hopefully, after much time, people will eventually establish new and different relationships, not replacements.

Misconception #3

"It's been six months (or nine months). You should be able to function normally, now. You should be able to concentrate, to remember things like you did before, to withstand pressure and not burst into tears."

Answer

How the bereaved wish that this were true! They would give anything to be "normal" again. They would go anywhere and spend any amount of money to reunite with their loved ones, to ease the terrible pain and sorrow of bereavement. They would love to concentrate and to remember and to not burst into tears, but it is taking all of their energy to merely survive.

Misconception #4

"If I don't mention his/her name, the bereaved will not be reminded of their loss. If I distract them, they will not think of their grief."

Answer

The bereaved are thinking of their loved ones anyway. They may feel relieved if you mention the name of the one who died or reminisce about a favorite time. Often, bereaved people have told me how uncomfortable it is for them because people seem to be afraid to mention the person's name. Grievers complain that people behave as if the dead person had never lived. The names of the dead are the symbols of people who are still vitally important to the living who loved them.

Misconception #5

"I know just how you feel. My aunt died, my cousin died, my great-grandmother died..."

Answer

The assumption that your own loss, grief and sadness make you an expert is erroneous. Each relationship is different, and the personalities involved are special. The ways that people love and relate to each other are different for each person. Each of us is expert in our own loss only.

The more intimate a relationship was, the more central it is to the griever's sense of well being. It is more entwined with the survivor's present and future, and it is difficult for anyone outside of that relationship to understand or comprehend.

Misconception #6

"Your loved one is at peace, out of pain, not suffering. Be thankful for that."

Answer

Though, intellectually, the bereaved realize this truth, on a gut level, the words are meaningless. The loved ones are still missed and mourned. Of course, the bereaved did not want their loved ones to suffer! However, all the justification, reason and rationale will not diminish the pain of the bereaved who are suffering now. When one is wounded, one hurts, and knowing that someone else is out of pain does little to assuage that empty aching.

The past six misconceptions address people who are dealing with the bereaved. The following two deal with the bereaved themselves.

Misconception #7

"I thought I was coping and adjusting so well in handling my feelings and situations. Now, I feel as if I am back at square one."

Answer

This regression usually occurs following an emotional setback. It can happen on a significant memory date, or at a sight, sound or fragrance that is reminiscent of the deceased. It is unpredictable.

The bereaved person feels awash in painful emotions, and there is a feeling of hopelessness that one will ever feel normal again. Eventually, a different kind of normal will be reached, but it usually takes more time and pain than expected.

The problem with the various "stages" that have been described is that human emotion often doesn't follow a neatly prescribed plan. There is frequently a shifting back and forth between stages, and portions of the same stages can be experienced again and again.

I do not like to predict a time limit for the resolution of bereavement. It is possible to believe that resolution has been made and then have the acute emotions of loss reawakened by a cricket chirp, a honeysuckle scent, a breeze or a touch. This painful grief reawakening usually subsides more rapidly than the original grieving period.

Misconception #8

"If I smile, laugh or love again, I am being unfaithful to the memory of my loved one or I am 'forgetting'."

Answer

This misconception can thwart the healthy resolution of grief. Of course you will never forget; you will always love. It is difficult now to accept that you will be able to smile or laugh or love again, but your abilities to express normal emotion are proof of your capacity for happiness. They are a testament to that special relationship that you and your loved one shared.

People who have known happiness and love are the ones who feel their pain the most. (Grieving is the price we pay for loving.) It is for this reason that these very people need to allow themselves the opportunity to feel and express happiness again.

There are many other misconceptions about bereavement, as well. I invite readers to share what they have experienced and would like to have me address in future articles.

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Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Magazine, 5125 North Union Blvd. Ste. 4; Colorado Springs, CO 80918; (888) 604-4673

Content for this help guide has been taken from the Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health. (1-800-845-7771)